The Panic No One Sees: Why Learning New Things Still Terrifies Me at 49

I don’t talk much about the times I get stuck. Most of what we see on social media, including from me, is the finished product. The accomplishment. The highlight reel. The curated outcome.

So today, I’m sharing something different.

The truth is, I’m terrified of learning new things.

Whenever I try something difficult that I’ve never done before, my heart starts racing, my anxiety goes through the roof, and I often convince myself I’m going to fail before I even begin. If other people are watching, it gets even worse. What looks like a simple challenge to someone else can feel like a full-blown panic attack.

Three examples from just the last 90 days.

First, there was the FlowRider on a cruise ship. If I'm willing to swim across the Hudson River this summer, I figured I had no excuse to keep telling my husband I couldn't do it. What people saw was the video of me standing on the board. What they didn't see was me crying the night before because I knew how hard it would be.

Then came graduate school. Sitting in an AI class knowing my coding skills were practically nonexistent triggered the same reaction. The thought that I might have to figure something out on my own nearly sent me over the edge.

And then last week, during a charity race in Colorado, I found myself in tears because I didn't know how to assemble a tent.

A tent.

Looking back, I can finally see the pattern.

This wasn't really about a surfboard, coding, a tent, or even pickleball when I first started playing. It's something deeper. A lifelong fear of not knowing. Of looking incompetent. Of not getting it right immediately. A tendency to shame myself whenever I feel challenged or inexperienced.

For years, I disguised that fear with excuses.

"I don't like that."

"That's not for me."

"I'm not interested."

The truth was usually much more complicated.

This realization has me doing something I don't often do: exploring help.

Years ago, EMDR helped me process and move past a lot of the trauma connected to my relationship with my mother. It was life-changing. But I'm honestly not sure whether EMDR is the answer for this particular trigger or if something else might be more effective.

What I do know is that I don't want to spend the next chapter of my life letting fear make decisions for me.

I'm tired of surviving. I'd like to learn how to thrive.

So if you're looking at someone's polished accomplishments online, remember there may be a whole battle happening underneath that you can't see.

And if you've spent years talking yourself out of things before you even begin, you're not alone.

Some of us are still learning that it's okay to be a beginner. And maybe that's exactly where growth starts.